When Crushable asked me to write a celebrity nightlife column, I was like WHOA, best job ever, right? I’ve been Vajazzled, I’ve dated a Scientologist, and boned in my mom’s bed, but I’ve never, like, reported-reported. Except for the time I got hit on by John Mayer - ha!

Getting paid to hang out at the hottest clubs with celebrities whose numbers are now in my Crackberry is the best thing ever. The only downsides are I sleep with my Crackberry on my pillow (in case Michael Lohan texts) AND I’m borderline addicted to Adderall. Sometimes I rub a little coke on my gums just to stay awake because the nights are SO LONG. My hours are, like, 6 p.m. to 2 a.m., and then I’m supposed to go home and file. But it’s hard to write about my friends, you know? Which is why I have a pseudonym (hahaha).

The funny thing is, my job started last weekend. Michael has been so great – he email intro-ed me with Jon Gosselin and I’m trying to get to Lindsay, who’s in jailsies. Meanwhile, that slore Kate Major is so hein. She heard about me and tried to Facebook friend me and I was like, no. OH. So, right now, I’m posting at an Internet cafe outside the Jersey Shore house, where I’m currently staking out “the situation” – ha! The third season is ON and my editor tells me Pauly D and The Situation aren’t getting along because his ego is too big. I’m like, he’s the Situation – his ego SHOULD be big. If Mike – the Situation, not Lohan! – ever hit on me, I’m not gonna exactly complain. I feel like Mike gets all in his head and loner-y because he is sensitive underneath all the fame and ab action. He needs a real girlfriend, because Snooki and JWOWW have their own things going on, like getting New York Times profiles and endorsing anti-aging skincare lines.

My assignment is to report – blah blah blah, my editor got me a tape recorder, I ’should use it,’ blah blah blah – and dig up some info on the the new girl castmate. BUT my goal is to get close to The Situation and maybe … something more. I always wanted to be on a reality show, even like a minimal part (a la Frankie Delgado on The Hills). Or like those chicks from Downtown Girls, who are so spot-on with the dating scene here in NYC. I haven’t quite figured it out but I want to date a celebrity until I do. My editor seems OK with this, as long as I file at the end of the day.

My friend told me Amy Robach from the Today show said aloud, “I want to date a celebrity.” So she went out and met Andrew Shue, who became her husband. Another friend dated Josh Groban, who was so into her but she wasn’t as into him. If I had the chance to date Josh Groban, I would. And he would sing at our wedding reception, which would be featured in In Style and one of those wedding shows on TLC. Not Bridezillas.

So this weekend I’m hitting up some parties in the Hamptons – I’m on Scott-and-Kourtney watch – and partake of the open bars and the booooooooys. In the meantime, I’ll keep you posted on what happens with The Situation.

Until next week,

Robin xoxo

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Robin Sparkles: I Love The Celebrity Nightlife!

Sonny With A Chance Of Lycra — Target is unveiling a clothing line called “D-Signed,” inspired by the style of Selena Gomez’s character on Disney’s Sonny With A Chance. The line, which hits stores August 1, will feature clothes that “would be found in Sonny Munroe’s closet.” (Reuters)

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Man, and here we thought that our creepy obsession with pageant moms was limited to that 1-hour dose on TLC every week. But apparently not content to sit idly by and let other parents be the worst, a new trend has developed to exploit the sexualization of the 10-and-under set even further: Pole-dancing classes! For you and mommy to both tone up and feel more “sexy.” Tracy Clark-Flory from Salon wrote that the mainstreaming of burlesque culture may have paved the way for these tiny pole-dancers, which are now considered somewhat acceptable as a form of exercise in their own right (“pole fitness” anyone?) Still, who is paying for these kids classes? Your creepy uncle?

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‘Toddlers and Tiaras?’ Try ‘Toddlers And Stripper Polls’

Jessica Biel was snapped early one morning in London, looking a bit disheveled sans make-up. But if we looked that way after a night out, we wouldn’t be complaining. Do you agree?

(Photo by Will Alexander/WENN.com)

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Even On Her Worst Day, Jessica Biel Still Looks Pretty Great

Lauren Froderman’s future on So You Think You Can Dance hangs in the balance. The only remaining girl in the Top 6 had a stellar night of dancing, but host Cat Deeley cryptically revealed at the close of the show that she was “with the medic.” Whether Lauren can continue in the competition or will be sent home, like injured Alex and Ashley before her, remains to be seen.

After Cat’s unexpected announcement, I rewound the episode, back to Lauren’s last dance, a foxtrot with Adechike. She didn’t show any signs of injury during the dance, but afterwards, during the judging, her face looked pained and she was leaning heavily on her partner and Cat. What could be wrong with her? (This report says she may have been hospitalized with a concussion and dehydration.)

Without an injury, there’s no way Lauren would be facing elimination. America seems to have already picked its top three, consisting of Lauren, Adechike and fan favorite Kent. Billy, Robert and Jose were destined to be in the bottom three tonight no matter what.

But that’s not to say they wouldn’t try to stay on top. Last night, Robert wowed the judges with a moving contemporary number with All-Star Kathryn and a Bollywood routine with Billy. Judges Nigel Lythgoe, Mia Michaels, Adam Shankman and guest judge ballroom dancer and choreographer Toni Redpath said Robert showed maturing, and praised him highly for his meticulous work in the Bollywood piece. I agree Robert was much cleaner that Billy during the dance. Earlier in the night, Billy danced a contemporary piece with Ade that was clean and interesting but lackluster. Billy’s time on So You Think You Can Dance may have run its course.

Meanwhile, bboy Jose stretched his wings with a hip-hop routine with Comfort followed by a Broadway dance with Kent. Again, Jose’s lack of training was evident. His personality, which got him this far, may still be amazingly compelling, but eventually the judges will oust him in favor of a more technically proficient dancer.

Speaking of, Kent was nearly flawless during a chacha with Anya — his second of the season. He also kept up with Jose in flips and tricks during their Broadway routine. Adechike earned praise for his “balls out dancing” with All-Star Courtney in a flashy jazz number, though the judges’ comments were less positive for his foxtrot with Lauren. Still, I think the voters are behind Adechike and he doesn’t have to worry about being sent home, despite the fact that now I think Robert is a better dancer than him.

Who do you think will be in the bottom three tonight? Do you think Lauren will pull through, or will another injury plague another contestant this season?

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A ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ Performance Show Without Injuries Ends With An Injury

Topics Barack Obama Covered Today During His Appearance on The View – Mel Gibson (he would rather talk about Afghanistan), Lindsay Lohan (he’s aware she’s in jail), and Justin Bieber (has every kind of music on his iPod except the Biebs.) (via The New York Times)

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Ever since Kanye West went and joined Twitter today, the Internet has exploded with retweeted excitement. Except really, isn’t the only “newsy” part of this story the fact that Kanye West wasn’t on Twitter until today? The rapper was like made for Twitter, and it’s sort of weird that now that he’s on the service, he’s spell-checking and not typing in all caps. Very un-Kanye. We say: Kanye’s hired one of those Ghost-Twitter writers, like 50 Cent did. He’s just a little late on the ball. Check it:

First post from Kanye (@KanyeWest):

Immediate correction of spelling error, with more spelling errors and three words in caps. We might actually believe Kanye wrote this one himself:

And then the interns take over for the rest of the day:

Meanwhile, back in Ian Somerhalder’s (@iansomerhalder) reality:

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Celeb Tweetup: OMG Kanye’s On Twitter (Sort Of)

We just received a press release touting the fact that New Jersey tourism as well as the tanning salon business are on the rise, thanks to Jersey Shore, the second season of which premieres tomorrow night. In honor of this growth, the show’s Angelina Pivarnick will speak tomorrow alongside New Jersey merchants and Beach Bum Tanning officials (pshh, we’ve heard that one before) on the Steps of the State House at the New Jersey State Capitol Building, in Trenton.

Ha!

“They will be announcing a 22% boost in local business along with tanning salons across New Jersey and the United States due to the popularity of Jersey Shore,” says the press release. Well, that’s funny, especially considering that this “press conference” is being held at the State Capitol Building…because New Jersey’s Governor has publicly stated on several occasions that he pretty much detests Jersey Shore.

This morning, on The Today Show, Governor Chris Christie told Matt Lauer, “Yeah, listen, we’ll find other ways to increase tourism. We’ll take Snooki and The Situation and you can have them back.”

Over the weekend, in an interview with ABC, he said, “What it does is takes a bunch of New Yorkers — most of the people on Jersey Shore” are New Yorkers … [and] drops them at the Jersey Shore, and tries to make Americans feel like this is New Jersey.”

So. You get the point.

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‘Jersey Shore’ Boosts State Tourism, But NJ Governor Says ‘You Can Have Them Back’

(via Buzzfeed)

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Video: ‘Catception’ Is Better Than ‘Inception’

A “friend” of Angelina Jolie has sold her out to Star magazine, and the selling included this photo of Angie, snapped sometime in 1999, “during a 14-hour heroin-smoking bender.” Just in time for the release of Andrew Morton’s unauthorized biography, wherein her seduction of Brad Pitt is spelled out. (Photo via Gawker via Jezebel)

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NSFW! Photo Of Angelina Allegedly Doing Heroin In ‘99